


Observations

by nothingisreal



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Adultery, Angst, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-22 12:58:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4836275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingisreal/pseuds/nothingisreal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James has always liked watching the world around him. And especially Jeremy Clarkson.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Observations

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any mistakes; English isn't my first language.

James liked to observe the world around him. It fascinated him how everything seemed to just work. Both - things and creatures. When he was a small boy, he already loved taking his bikes apart and then putting them back together.

If he was to be perfectly honest, he preferred things to people. The latter were way too complicated. They had their needs and wants. They had emotions.  And James hated that. He always felt as if he was constantly walking on eggshells, caring about others. Not that he went out of his way to make them comfortable. He rather tried not to make them too uneasy.

It was on one of their journeys that James realised he had been watching Jeremy. Not like he would any other person. This time he was genuinely interested. He wanted to know what Jeremy felt and why. He wanted to understand how he functioned. If he could, he would probably take him apart just like one of his bikes.

But he wouldn’t say that the realisation changed his life in any way. He carried on as usual, filming his other programmes, going to the pub with his mates, working in his garage. But every now and then he would suddenly become aware of the fact that he was studying the way the skin around Jeremy’s eyes crinkled as he laughed maybe a tad too closely. But still, he didn’t lose sleep over it at night.

It was a gloomy day. The two of them were filming somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Jeremy was leaning against the bonnet of an ancient Polonez, smoking a cigarette. He was laughing at something James had said, a full-blown laughter that could probably be heard all the way in Germany.

And that was the moment, when the second realisation struck. And James’s whole understanding of himself came crashing down. Because in that moment he thought how much he loved Jeremy. Which was fairly acceptable as long as he took care not to say it aloud. After all, he loved Hammond too. But the thought was followed by another, which freaked the hell out of James. _‘I want to kiss him.’_

Thankfully, his mind and body didn’t seem to be connected in any way. So Jeremy didn’t notice that James had just had a breakthrough. A breakthrough, which he didn’t like one bit. Jeremy was married. Jeremy worked with him. Jeremy wasn’t interested. Jeremy was his friend.

But his heart didn’t want to accept any of the excuses. It was beating so fast, James was afraid he might actually have a heart attack.

Then they went home and James glossed over his revelations. It was made much easier by the fact that he wouldn’t have to see Jeremy until the next month. And then Richard would be with them. Besides James was fairly sure he could trust himself not to do something stupid and irresponsible, like for example pushing Jeremy against the closest flat surface and snogging the hell out of him.

And if he ever fell asleep with his pillow slightly moist… well, he would never admit it, anyway. The two of them weren’t meant to be anything more than friends. James didn’t want them to be anything else. Not consciously, at least. And if his heart ever skipped a beat, when he noticed how bright Jeremy’s smile was that particular day, it was just his observant nature.

Everything was great. Until one night… one night James’s cover slipped. Jeremy had noticed that something was off. James hated himself for getting drunk and for allowing himself to be on his own with Jeremy, and in private too. But the damage had been done.

“James…?”

James tried to swallow the lump in his throat that had formed, when he had heard Jeremy’s tone. “Yeah?”

He was still relatively safe. Jeremy wouldn’t just go out and ask James what was wrong. He couldn’t. It was one of the unspoken rules. They had made dozens of them, the three of them. But what guarantee did James have that Jeremy wouldn’t just go and break it? He loved doing that. Besides, no matter what everyone said, Jeremy did care. Quite a lot, actually. Which in that moment made James want to both laugh and cry at the same time.

Jeremy narrowed his eyes at James, as if he was trying to see right through him. The older man frowned, apparently unsatisfied. James knew that, given enough time, Jeremy would figure him out and it would all go to hell.

But if he had, he didn’t comment on it. In fact, he didn’t say anything. He only got up to fetch another bottle of beer for himself. As the evening progressed, James noted how Jeremy was drinking more than at the beginning. It appeared as if he was trying to get himself drunk.

James shook the stupid thought off, deciding that he, for once, had had enough for one night. Which meant that when the clock announced midnight, he was very close to being sober, whereas Jeremy could barely stand up straight.

“I think you’d better stay the night,” said James with a sigh. He realised that letting Jeremy go home in that state wouldn’t be wise. For the sake of cab drivers and Jeremy’s wife, it’d be better if he slept it off at James’s.

He got up, planning to prepare the guest bedroom, but Jeremy caught his wrist, pulling him back.

“James,” he whispered with a strange look in his eyes and a sort of wistful smile on his face.

James furrowed his brows, sensing the impending disaster. Before he could say anything though, he felt Jeremy’s hands on his face and warm breath on his lips.

“I’m gonna kiss ya,” Jeremy mumbled, his words quickly followed by actions before James had a chance to protest.

He should have pushed him off. He should have reminded him of the wife and kids waiting for him at home. He should have explained to him why there were thousands of reasons why this was wrong. So fucking wrong…

But a part of him knew that Jeremy wouldn’t listen. Not when he was sober. Certainly not when he was plastered.

So he said nothing as Jeremy slowly stood up, taking a moment to steady himself. He didn’t protest when Jeremy took his hand and led him to the bedroom. And then shoved his hands up James’s shirt, pushing him onto the bed and getting on top of him. He didn’t object when Jeremy spread his legs, pushed himself inside quickly – no lube just spit.

It was hard, rough, and rushed. And it hurt. Not physically. But mentally it made every single fibre in James’s body ache. He found himself moaning Jeremy’s name softly, all the while ignoring the nagging voice in the back of his mind, which reminded him it wasn’t real.

When he woke up in the morning, the sun was just beginning to rise and Jeremy was still lying beside him, sleeping soundly. So James closed his eyes and waited. He tried not to remember the way Jeremy looked as he came. Tried to forget how each of Jeremy’s kisses seemed to burn his skin.

And when Jeremy finally awoke, hours later, James didn’t move. He waited until he heard the front door close. Then he rolled onto his back, cringing when he felt dried cum on his skin – his, where he’d come on his stomach, and Jeremy’s between his legs. He wasn’t angry. He didn’t hate Jeremy. The only person he hated was himself. For letting his emotions take control over him. For being naive enough to think that one night would get rid of his… _feelings_. For being so fucking observant in the first place.

But most of all, he hated how he let himself fall in love with Jeremy Clarkson.


End file.
